i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
