A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
