3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
