you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
