How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
