It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
