he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
