just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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