She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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