i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I cut my penus on the lid.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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