I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
