Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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