One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
