how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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