I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize