Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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