Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
