doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
