Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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