LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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