If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
