You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize