No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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