I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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