He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
