I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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