He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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