I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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