This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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