he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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