Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Actions speak louder than pants.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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