hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
