I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
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