thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
