Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
