ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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