mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
