What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
