someone threw a dead crab at me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
