I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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