Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
