i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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