Got a toothbrush?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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