Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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