they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
did i just pee glitter
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize