I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just want nice things and good sex
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
