just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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