Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
