Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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