you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
