dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
