Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I enjoy the company of your penis
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
