Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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