apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
