just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
