our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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