I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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